Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Two Faces Have I

All of the art I've wanted to make lately has had some sort of dual nature. Some sort of perfection contrasted with some kind of deformity. I'm dreaming of a perfect wing and a broken wing. I'm thinking of an angel's face with a scar running down the middle. My next sculpture is going to be a tree with a broken limb. An iron tree. That's a contradiction in itself, maybe.

I'm a creature of contradictions. I guess we all are. Something in me wants to bring evil to myself. I want to eat too much. I want to drink too much. I want to watch too much television. And that's a good day. Sometimes, I want to get in the car and just drive till I can't anymore. At the same time, something in me really wants to take two handfuls of life. I want to do art. I want to write. I want to be with friends. I want to celebrate my marriage. I want to pray. As I walk this path, I pray that Jesus will draw me to the life. I pray that he will save me from the dark. It scares me to admit that there is something inside of me that wants to kill me. But, I know it won't. It can't. Maybe that's what this "being saved" is about. Saved from hell? Sure. Maybe even better, though, is being saved from that three-stranded evil (flesh, devil, sin) that's wrapped around my soul. Saved. Delivered. Entirely. No matter how hard I try, I can't won't kill myself. But I might always want to.

I think I've really grasped life twice in my life. The first time was when I begged God to save me. The second time was when I married David. I want to live. And I want to live abundantly. I have life and death set before me. I choose life. Now, I pray I'll be able to make the little lifeward movements my everyday existence requires. As a habit and a way of being.



Ginny said...

Su, I wept when I read this. One, because it is beautifully written and because my heart and soul understood and agreed.

susan said...

You're a soul-sister,bra.:-)


Christian said...

Oh I'm so happy, you're back! I've missed you.

I love your beautiful and brutal honesty in this.

Jason Harmon said...

does your Soprano's idea fit under the heading of "desire to make art" or "desire to be with friends"? It will be a fine line to walk though... we might just end up drinking too much.

izubg... failed xcmqxq

(sorry to be the guy who adds the light-hearted comment to the serious blog... thats how I roll [that comment in honor of your husband])

susan said...

Christian, I miss you too. Would you like to go see that exhibition at the Auburn museum sometime?

Jason, I want to make art AND be with friends AND (unfortunately) drink too much.


amanda hannah said...

No weeping here, because that is not - unfortunately - how I roll. But it resounded with me as well, Su. I love it when people express what I've been feeling, but can't quite desribe. And you described it perfectly.

susan said...

It's cathartic to read that you people get what I'm saying. I was just thinking I was 12 shades of crazy.


Christian said...

Just tell me when you're coming to town and we'll go. I was at the museum last week on an errand but wasn't in there long enough to view the exhibit.