All of the art I've wanted to make lately has had some sort of dual nature. Some sort of perfection contrasted with some kind of deformity. I'm dreaming of a perfect wing and a broken wing. I'm thinking of an angel's face with a scar running down the middle. My next sculpture is going to be a tree with a broken limb. An iron tree. That's a contradiction in itself, maybe.
I'm a creature of contradictions. I guess we all are. Something in me wants to bring evil to myself. I want to eat too much. I want to drink too much. I want to watch too much television. And that's a good day. Sometimes, I want to get in the car and just drive till I can't anymore. At the same time, something in me really wants to take two handfuls of life. I want to do art. I want to write. I want to be with friends. I want to celebrate my marriage. I want to pray. As I walk this path, I pray that Jesus will draw me to the life. I pray that he will save me from the dark. It scares me to admit that there is something inside of me that wants to kill me. But, I know it won't. It can't. Maybe that's what this "being saved" is about. Saved from hell? Sure. Maybe even better, though, is being saved from that three-stranded evil (flesh, devil, sin) that's wrapped around my soul. Saved. Delivered. Entirely. No matter how hard I try, I can't won't kill myself. But I might always want to.
I think I've really grasped life twice in my life. The first time was when I begged God to save me. The second time was when I married David. I want to live. And I want to live abundantly. I have life and death set before me. I choose life. Now, I pray I'll be able to make the little lifeward movements my everyday existence requires. As a habit and a way of being.
Amen.
8 comments:
Su, I wept when I read this. One, because it is beautifully written and because my heart and soul understood and agreed.
You're a soul-sister,bra.:-)
Su
Oh I'm so happy, you're back! I've missed you.
I love your beautiful and brutal honesty in this.
does your Soprano's idea fit under the heading of "desire to make art" or "desire to be with friends"? It will be a fine line to walk though... we might just end up drinking too much.
izubg... failed xcmqxq
(sorry to be the guy who adds the light-hearted comment to the serious blog... thats how I roll [that comment in honor of your husband])
Christian, I miss you too. Would you like to go see that exhibition at the Auburn museum sometime?
Jason, I want to make art AND be with friends AND (unfortunately) drink too much.
Su
No weeping here, because that is not - unfortunately - how I roll. But it resounded with me as well, Su. I love it when people express what I've been feeling, but can't quite desribe. And you described it perfectly.
It's cathartic to read that you people get what I'm saying. I was just thinking I was 12 shades of crazy.
Su
Just tell me when you're coming to town and we'll go. I was at the museum last week on an errand but wasn't in there long enough to view the exhibit.
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